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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
That earthquake could have been an email.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Camping tip: No.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!