ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop