Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Breaking news:
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.