“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Every house has this drawer
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Meanwhile in Portland…
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
This made me chuckle.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”