Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.