I’m not proud
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
How do you milk an almond?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
This week’s mood.