Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
You Might Also Like
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
wishing you and yours all the best
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being