I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.