am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You Might Also Like
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip