I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw