Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
それは草
Smallpox sounds so adorable
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.