Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
me doing my best
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.