ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
🤣
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now