“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG