A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.