I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
You Might Also Like
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Ion see the issue
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Is this a threat?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I think this cat is broken