My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
79.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears