Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]