The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
What