My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year