My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.