Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
What about second breakfast?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.