You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Was it something I said?
Ugh but profoundly
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform