*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?