ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Sharon I have some bad news
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.