*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”