HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.