My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Jail
oppen heimer style lol
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef