Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book