everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.