[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
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You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup