I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.