so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I just tested negative for patience.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.