My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head