Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Where is your GOD now????
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.