This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes