I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
you gotta be faster
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666