{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.