Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.