My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Sheep
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …