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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle