beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me when my alarm goes off
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.