FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
This is a sub tweet
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.