Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
You Might Also Like
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.