Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.