Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Important reminders
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped