[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about