Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
A choir of Spring onions