“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
How funny!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
This is hilarious….
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this