If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what